And the winner is...

Is it just me or did December pass a lot slower than the other months? It still feels as we are only half way through it, though the end is nigh, two more days. At the end of every year people give out awards to everyone and everything to commemorate the good and bad things of that year. So I thought I could do the same.
Welcome to the great awards show.

• Award for the slowest walking people on the planet: Thailand
• Award for the blindest people on the planet: Thailand
• Award for the most annoying people: India
• Award for people splashing a whole bottle of after-shave on themselves: Middle East
• Award for most obnoxious drunk people: England
• Award for most hypocrisy: America
• Award for best hospitality: Australia
• Award for friendliest people in your face: Thailand
• Award for most overpriced pubs: Ireland
• Award for having a mobile phone attached to your ear: Thailand
• Award for craziest taxi drivers: Thailand
• Award for saying your country is the best in the world: Sweden
• Award for sharing your dirty sex exploits with everyone: Germany
• Award for walking on the street covered in just a towel and not caring: Thailand

So as you can read, it ain't all that bad over here.
I want to wish you all a happy 2010 or 2553, depending on the country you're residing in.

The Discovery Channel

This stay in the land of smiles has been one of many discoveries. The most important to me is the man with the aluminum cylinder on four wheels sounding his bell wherever he goes. These days when I hear the bell I try to make out where the sound comes from and make haste to find this friendly man. You can find them everywhere in Bangkok, but mainly outside the tourist areas. Of course I am talking about the ice cream man. But not just ordinary ice cream. Homemade coconut ice cream. If you ever get a chance, don't waste it. Buy the heaven sent delight, it will only set you back 10 baht for a whole cup. That's right. No Häagen Dazs where you pay 50 baht for one scoop, but 10 baht for a whole cup of Thai craftsmanship.
Another thing you learn here is that respect takes you a long way. Not just respect for eachother, but for the world around you. Have you ever noticed there are almost no garbage bins in Bangkok? People just wait until they actually see one, or take it home and dump it there. I saw this a long time ago on a roadsign in Wales: Take your litter home. Here people actually do it and Bangkok stays clean. For the most part that is, because you will always see a wrapper or something on the street, but then there are the 24/7 street sweepers who keep things tidy around here.
Another form of respect I discovered here is the respect the people have for the king. He is not treated as a monarch, but as some kind of deity. His picture is everywhere. I cannot imagine getting on the bus in my home country and seeing a picture of the king above the drivers seat. Here he is omnipresent. When you go to the movies, you have the trailers and commercials followed by the national anthem. This is preceded by a screen stating to rise to pay respect to the king. To make sure everyone stands this is in Thai and English. It is very much frowned upon if a farang doesn't stand. Even though this might not be your king, you shall give him your respect for 2 minutes. Every day, 6 PM, on the national channel you can watch the national anthem being sung by people from a different city. If you are in a public place at 6 PM and you hear the anthem, you should look around you. It's like you are in a movie and someone pressend pause, you are the only one still in play mode. These are things you get used to eventually. Life actually stops for 1 minute at 6 PM.

I want to conclude with the craziest discussion I have ever had in my life.
Every day at 8.30 PM many television sets switch to Channel 7 to watch 'Drama'. This can best be described as the Thai version of 'Days of our Lives' and 'The Bold and the Beautiful'. It is the every day life stories of a family and the people surrounding it. So you can imagine what it looks like to an outsider with a grasp of reality. Unlike its American counterparts, each episode lasts two hours, that is correct, not 25 minutes, but the full two hours. Every day.
And then the discussion went something like this.
A: Ow, it's 8.30, all the women will be watching Channel 7 now.
B: Not only women, but everyone.
A: I really think it's only women who watch it.
B: No, everyone, because you can learn from it.
A: Learn from it?????
B: Yes, how to be good and how to avoid bad.
A: You cannot learn that from a soap. It's not real.
B: That's not true, it's like real.

At that point I just started laughing and ended the discussion because it was not going anywhere. Some people just have their own opinions.

This and that

Yours truly has taken advantage of the growing real estate market in the Big Mango and moved base. A new neighbourhood brings new inspiration. Because of developers planting condominiums on every open piece of land, the prices are going down. Everybody wants to rent out there rooms, so this brings along a lot of competition for us to benefit from. And so I found a brand new furnished apartment for 5000 baht per month, including 10 Mbps internet with unlimited download capacity and cable television. This will save me about 4000 baht per month, which isn't all that bad, methinks. To know how much baht I am talking about, look it up on one of the many currency converters you can find around the internet. But if it is important enough to get mentioned here, you know I ain't talking about pennies.

Overemployment can be scary.
To me it seems Thailand solved the unemployment problem by employing a lot of people to do a lot of nothing. This is only my view and I may be wrong. If so, please correct me. When you go out to buy something, especially electronics, you get ambushed and cornered by so many guys trying to persuade you to buy the brand they represent, it really scares me. If I walk to the television section at Robinson's just to have a look at the current prices of these things, I don't want to be stalked by six guys. Call me paranoid. I don't mind one guy coming up to me asking me if I can be helped and yes, I will brush him off, but six guys is a little harder. So when I see these customer-hungry predators locking their eyes on me, I quickly take a sharp left or right and go look at the newest sneakers. Of course I have to make a sharp left again because the shoe section is also cluttered with salesmen. These days I only wander into these hunter's domains when I actually need something. But always keep your wits and get informed before you enter, because they will use everything in their power to convince you their brand is the best on the planet. Long live the concept of commission. Sometimes I think they are going to overrun eachother to be the first one to aid you in search of that new photoframe.

On a completely different note, I thought I would never do it, but yes I will do it.
If you live in or near Khao San Road, don't come bragging you know what goes on in and around Bangkok. Okay, it is a fact that this stretch of asphalt is the most written about in any book about Thailand and Bangkok in particular and I do agree that every first-time visitor should go and take a look to see what all the fuss is about. Some of you might like it, others will turn around and never return. If you're looking for a dreadlock holiday with young travellers on a budget and gurus who know their lonely planet by heart, this is the place for you. If you want to know more about Bangkok, leave this street at once. It is also full of Thais and Indians trying to get your last dimes.
I only wander through this ordeal because it harbours one of the best vegetarian restaurants in town. To me, it is a necessary evil. The sour apple before the mouthwatering feast.
So next time, one of you bearded know-it-all I've-been-to-every-full-moon-party linen-clothes-wearing bare-feet-walking gone-all-native chumps comes up to me with all the knowledge in the world, please don't be flabbergasted when I talk to you about the subway which has been there for five years already. Leave your stretch, wear some shoes and try listening to people instead of spreading your "elaborate" wisdom.

Xenophobia Extravaganza

This entry is written entirely for the inhabitants of the island off the coast of Europe. You guessed it, the English. They are not all bad, I met some wonderful people from across the channel. Many cheers go to Big man Dan, one of the friendliest people on the planet. And there is a difference between the English who live here and those you just come here as a two-weeks-millionaire.
It is the latter I want to discuss.
For starters, if you cannot handle alcohol, stay clear of it. This is what we call common sense. Which brings me to the next point. Common sense tends to be common, but apparently it is not in the English gene pool. I guess years of inbreeding, teenage pregnancies and watching too many LiverFool matches has a lot to do with this.
If you do plan to get drunk, do it in a place where many people know you. Like your local pub, for instance. The Boar and Arms is as good a place as any and it's just at the end of your street, not far from your warm cozy bed. See, you don't even have to come to Thailand.
If you wander to a streetbar at 3 AM, already drunk, then why do you keep on drinking. Of course the Thai bar owner will give you more booze, because he is only interested in your money. Not because he likes you and wants to hear how many Thai lasses you snogged in the past week.
Then if you stand up and you happen to step on my foot, you can do two things. Keep walking or turn around and apologise. You do not turn around and offer to smash my face, because apparently I was in the way of your drunken path, which happened to lead backwards. And here is the common sense again. You do not offer to smash my face if you do not know where you are and you are surrounded by six Thai guys who I happen to know. I wouldn't even need to stand up. And let me add, Thai guys never fight fair. The three in front of you won't move a finger, it's the three parading around your back you should be afraid of. There is enough evidence of that on Youtube. Furthermore, if you and drunken sorry ass stumble into a streetside shop and wreck the displays, you will have to pay for it. Don't turn around and say it won't be happening. You will pay, be it with money or your physical health.
So, moral of this little tale: Trade Bangkok for Scarborough and you will make many people very happy.

We are all foreigners here

I know everyone has been waiting for a new entry, so here it is. As stated before, this blog will appear on a very irregular basis. Let's see what has happened to me and how I see things in the Big Mango.
When someone stays long enough in a foreign country, you start to notice their flaws. Being a European, I am fairly tolerant to every other citizen of the world. But over here their little flaws can get to you a little. For instance, every Frenchman I meet her assumes I speak French and carries on in his own little lingo de pâté et canard. Do not assume things about people you do not know. Yes, I do speak French, but being so far from home you would expect them to at least speak English or the local tongue. So, point proven, the French are not only arrogant in their own country, but also outide their borders. Germans are better in this, they will speak English to you, albeit with a German accent, but you don't hear me complaining. I see they make an effort, I mention I can converse in their language and we carry on in German, everybody happy. But then again, why do I bother? Every German I meet her talks about one thing. Where to find the best ladies and how they are travelling on to Pattaya after a couple of days of Bangkok. And why is this? Because apparently the girls in Pattaya are cheaper. Yes, most Germans have a set budget and don't spend more than that per day. So to all you Bavarians, Schwaben and others of Volkswagen-country, I am not interested in your sexual exploits.
Apparently there is also a way to tell the difference between a Swede and a Brit. They both have tattoos, but the Vikings take care of their teeth and the Brits have a serious dental problem. This comes from a Swedish guy, so I don't take credit for this. Why is it that people pay so much money to sit on a plane for 10 hours or more and then get drunk every day they are here and get back on their plane back to farangland? I will never understand it. Why not spend that money in the local pub? The Hell's Angels had it right you know, support your local. Don't come here bothering other people with your drunk dribble about how your country is the greatest in the world. Because if it really is, why don't they stay there? And why do so many English live and work abroad? Because they loved living in their great country so much? On a side note, please get the colonialism out of your genes. You are not a conqueror. The only thing you will be conquering is the toilet to puke and shit your guts out.
And what's up with Americans stating they are Canadian. This is too funny. They are actually ashamed of the whole Bush era. Let me tell you one thing, you can't hide the accent. I do appreciate they come out for it after a while. The stupidest thing to do, because now everyone will make fun of them for the rest of the evening.
A large group of expats here is Australian and I can't find any flaws there. Down to earth people, descendants of former convicts, always a great conversation, not putting anyone down. I think they will have their flaws, everyone has. Heck, even I have flaws, maybe they are written about on a Frenchman's blog.
Just let me state for the record that in no way I am racist. This is just a blog of what I experience here.

Something completely different now, mispronunciation leads to miscommunication. A couple of days ago I was talking about movies with a Thai girl. All of a sudden she said she liked Black Pete a lot. I said I didn't know this person. She said it again and three times I heard Black Pete. I asked her if she meant Black Eyes Peas, which was complete nonsense as we were talking about movies. But hey, anything is possible here. Tell me more about Black Pete, I said. He very handsome man, she continued. Made many movies. Very famous. And married to Angelina Jolie. YES. You guessed it, she was talking about Brad Pitt. Sometimes you have to make an effort, but in the end you will get there.

In the end you will get there.

Me vs them

One thing you have to take in to account when moving to another country are the cultural differences. When you stay on the same continent these are not that big, for instance you learn to live with Germans munching on larger than life sausages while watching Scheissemovies, Brits being bloody hooligans and Spanish being lazy bastards as they go sleeping in the middle of the day. But when you're moving to Asia things are a bit different. These people have a totally different way of life. Asia is big and I'm going to focus on Thailand, because that is where I live now.

For instance, where I come from, people eat 3 times per day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. In Thailand, people eat 6 times per day and when you look closely it comes a lot closer to 20 times. They are eating all the time. Maybe that's why it takes so long to get things finished around here.

Good thing for them is that they don't eat a lot of fats, so they stay skinny. And of course not every Thai eats this much, the beggars have to satisfy themselves with one portion of sticky rice per day, or was that sticky lice?

And actually this doesn't bother me at all. There's nothing wrong with people eating.

The thing that bothers me the most is the "cultural perception of time". In other words, Thai are always late. When you make an appointment at 9 o'clock, be sure to see your counterparty at 9.30 or even later. The longest I had to wait for someone was 75 minutes and this was not even business-related.

When they arrive eventually, there is always an excuse, there was too much traffic, it was raining. This is just a way of telling you that they were too lazy to get their ass of the couch or they couldn't be bothered meeting you.

I once had a meeting and the email stated: the meeting will start at 2-3 PM. Can somebody please enlighten me what time i had to be there? As a good boy from the western world I was there at 2 PM and the meeting started at 2.30. At first this really gets to you. Being 5 or 10 minutes late doesn't bother anyone, but the Thai way is really testing people. But then again, you learn to live with it. When you have an appointment, be sure to bring a book or an MP3 player.

The last thing I hear many farang complain about is the telephone conversation, especially with their Thai girlfriend. In the West a telephone conversation starts with: Hello, how are you?

In Thailand it goes as follows: Hello, where are you? So either they don't trust the farang boyfriend or they are very insecure about people's whereabouts. Or just making sure he's not in the area because she is with another guy. This is all possible.

After 5 months you see things in a different way. Tourists can't be bothered with cultural differences, because 2 weeks later they are on a plane back home. Expats have to live with this, live through the ordeals.

But as stated before: just go with the flow.

Lazy Sunday afternoon

Every week it comes back. And every week there is that same question. What to do on a Sunday afternoon? You could stay indoors and listen to Small Faces songs or go outside and enjoy. Well, seeing that Bangkok is not the same as Europe, there is always something to do. All shops are open and the city is loaded with events. But there are other things one can do in this City of Angels. One of the funnier things is to go to a place which has escalators, like big shopping malls or the underground and skytrain stations. Upon arrival, look for a nice spot where you can see people getting on and off the escalators. In my opinion it looks like Thai people always get on these things for the first time in their life. Almost falling over, leaning backwards, never smooth like it should be. This can cause some trouble during rush hour, people trampling on each other, scared to make the move and waiting for the next piece of escalator to appear and hopping on like a cow suffering Parkinson's. This activity can be funny for about 15 minutes. So it's on to the next one.

Go to the park and watch people jogging. Mind you, it is about 2 o'clock in the afternoon and 35°C. Who in his right mind would go jogging? Just sit on a bench with a big bottle of water and maintain that courteous smile on your face. Don't let it turn into a grin, because then you're just offending people. Just enjoy your cold water and watch people die of dehydration as they jog along.

One of the big tourist attractions in Bangkok is the Chatuchak weekend market. As the name implies, this takes place during Saturdays and Sundays. It is a huge area where you can buy just about anything for a decent price, the haggling is up to you of course. This place is featured in lonely planet, the rough guide, frommer's, just about every travel guide on the planet. So this means just about every tourist wants to come here. Big mistake. You see, most of the market is indoors with very narrow walkways. Take into account an outside temperature of 35°C, thousands of people and the smell of dried fish, Chinese concoctions, beggars and sweat. I just love how some farang try to make it back outside where they are met by the scorching heat. Watching people go crazy and mental, don't you just love it.

So if you're bored on a Sunday afternoon in Bangkok, just do one of these three activities, or all of them. And they are free of charge.

Really?

As you will probably notice, this will not be a regular blog, not daily, weekly or monthly. It will appear whenever I feel like writing it. So be patient. It will never be of high standard, it will never win a Pullitzer, but who cares.

In Europe we know Indians from their fine restaurants where you can enjoy a nice spicy meal with an exotic name and drink watermelon punch. Here they exist too, and they are much cheaper too, which is very much appreciated. But in Thailand Indians are very well-known for something else, their tailor shops. You can't walk a mile without passing a couple of these. I don't mind, everybody needs to make a living. But what I don't like is, because there are so many, they need patronage. So they sit outside and wait until a farang walks by. This is when it starts. Let me tell you something, in case one of these tailors reads this, I am not your friend, your mate or your brother. I have one brother and he is not an Indian tailor in Bangkok. I walk past in shorts and flip-flops, showing my tattoos, why would I be interested in a tailor-made suit? And I walk past here almost every day, so by now they should know me, but no, everytime I have to endure it. "Hey my friend, I make suit for you, very good price, only today discount." Every day they say the same, so maybe if I wait long enough and add up the discounts, I get a suit for free. And maybe you are thinking now, if you don't like this, just cross the road. I wish I could do this, but it's the same scenario on the other side of the road. The best thing to do is just ignore them, not saying a word and just continue walking. Twenty Thai people walk past and one farang, they will only address the farang. The Thai people are business men wearing suits, the farang is wearing shorts and sandals and a t-shirt which says "I am a dumb tourist, please release me of my money". The same goes for tuk-tuk drivers. If you don't know what a tuk-tuk is, please google. There are hundreds of Thai people walking by and one farang, they will only address the farang. "Hello sir, where you go?" "You want taxi?" If I want a taxi, I will take a taxi, if I want a tuk-tuk, I will come to you and ask for a ride. But wait, this guy will take me to my destination for only 10 baht? That is a bargain. Eventually you will get to your destination, after having visited numerous shops which are of zero intrest to you, but the tuk-tuk driver brought you there, so he gets some money from the shop owner or gas coupons. If you do happen to take a tuk-tuk and he's bringing you straight to your destination, he will probably be charging you double or triple. There is one way around this. Get to know Thai people. Take a tuk-tuk accompanied by a Thai person and you will pay a lot less, sometimes even less than taking a taxi for the same ride. I kid you not, it has happened to me. So what we learn here is, it is ok to rid the farang of his money, but be honest to our own. After a while you get used to this and you just walk past it. You don't notice them anymore. I go where I want to go when I want to go. Therefore I love taking the underground or the skytrain, no hassles. But sometimes it happens by accident. You do some late night grocery shopping, yes that is possible here, some supermarkets are open 24 hours, you get into a taxi and you tell him you want to go home, it is midnight after all and you got four bags of groceries. The driver nods and we take off. After two minutes the obviously blind to my bags driver says "You want to go disco?" Of course, nice mister taxi driver, I want to stand in the middle of the dancefloor waving my four bags of groceries around. Some people really don't have a clue. After a small discussion that I really wanted to go home because of my obvious luggage, he told me only drops people of at the disco. So I get out and take the next taxi that comes along, luckily there are more taxis in Bangkok than sheep in New-Zealand. The next one is a very nice old man who drops me off right at my doorstep. Thank you very much.

Because of the vast area that Bangkok is, it is impossible for every taxi driver to know every nook and cranny. I really do understand this, but 80% of the time I seem to get stuck with the cabby who has been in this lovely city for three days. You open the door, tell them where you want to go, they nod, you get in, and two minutes into the ride they ask you where you want to go, they have no idea, they start calling people, you start calling people, and in the end you get there, but this is not how it is supposed to be. If you can see the driver is an old man, take that taxi. These guys have been around very long and know exactly where you want to go. If it is a young fellow, he will know all the hip and trendy dancing spots, but don't ask him to drop you off at a temple he doesn't know about. Taking a taxi here is always a gamble and an unexpected adventure. If you really want to complain about this, there is a number of the taxi company in the taxi, every driver has his license on display with his name and number, so just call them and complain. But wait, this can't be right. The guy in the picture looks 50 and the driver is only 25. That's right people, 95% of the time, the driver is not the guy in the picture, these guys change cabs like they change underwear, so there is no use in complaining, just do it the Thai way, go with the flow.

Just go with flow.

My first one

Ok. Here we go. I've been here for four months now and the time has come to write down some of my experiences. It won't be so much writing, but more ranting and raving about my likes and dislikes. Because that is what Bangkok makes you do, you start liking and disliking things.

Let's get some things straight first. Yes, this blog is written in English and no it is not my mother tongue. But there are far more people who understand English out there. I write this blog as "the happy farang", farang is the Thai word for foreigner and it has no negative connotation contrary to the word foreigner in many other languages. If you want to know more about the origin of the word and all that I suggest you consult Wikipedia or something of the likes. So we are clear on these points now. Let's continue the rant.

Four months ago I boarded a plane heading for Bangkok. I was gonna take a small vacation and then start looking for a job. The first part went really well, the latter is still going on.

Most farang who come here take up a job as an English teacher, which is the easiest way of earning money in this town. I was keeping this as a last resort, I didn't want to be just another English teacher among all the other expats. I applied for many a job and contrary to Europe, if they are not interested in you, they just don't reply to your emails. It's a real bummer when you get an email starting with "We are sorry to inform you...", but it is actually more depressing when you don't get any replies at all. And if you get a reply it takes them so long to send it. Apparently it is even worse in South-America, but I'm not applying there, so I don't care.

So after not receiving all those replies I thought I'd give the English teaching a go. What I didn't know was that people from English speaking countries seem to have a monopoly on these jobs. Yes it's true. Apparently you have more chances of getting struck by lightning within the next ten seconds. But I don't give up. I have to enforce my resume. So I take an English proficiency test, known as the TOEIC (Test of English for International Communication), Google it, which proves me with the knowledge that my English is near perfect. And by near perfect I mean 99.9%. It always feels nice when English folk ask me "whereabouts in England are you from". I'm not from old Blighty, I resort from the continent. No one ever guesses where I come from. We don't have a specific look or a specific accent. We could be from anywhere. ALthough when I meet some Germans, they always ask me if I'm from Switzerland, maybe I have some accent in German, although I don't use any Swiss vocabulary, apart from muesli.

Nevertheless, Australians tell me they cannot understand Englishmen from the north and Americans from Texas have trouble conversing with Kiwis. But everyone understands me and I understand everyone. So I will crack the monopoly. Just a little more time is needed.

In the meantime I landed a job teaching Dutch in a multinational company. Everyhing is possible in the Big Mango.

People know, or think they know, Bangkok and Thailand from watching "The Beach" and "Bangkok Dangerous", but that is Hollywood. Nothing from what I have seen in those movies I have seen here. This is a different movie, it's called "You are in Bangkok and you will enjoy it". You can do whatever you like as long as you keep it legal. You don't want to end up in prison here, read the book of Warren Fellowes and you'll know what I'm talking about.

So, I hope you liked my introduction of this blog about the land of smiles. More to come soon.